Ways to Restore the Romance That Dating Apps Kill

From The New York Post

From the mid-’90s arrival of Match.com through the launch of dating apps like Tinder in the early 2010s, technology has altered the way most big-city singles look for love — and not in a good way.

For many men (and even some women), “swiping right” has replaced summoning the nerve to approach that lovely stranger across the room. That has come at the expense of romance.

Dating apps have made men lazy about approaching women they don’t know, and it has hurt the chances of finding true, lasting love.

Fact is, many women still prefer men to approach them, in bars and other social settings, just as they did in the old days. And some businesses are looking to facilitate that.

Of nearly 20 single New York City women in their 20s through 40s I asked recently, most told me they rely on apps to get dates — not because they like it better, but because men are less inclined to approach them in real-life, natural settings. And because they want their search for a loving partner to be as quick and efficient as possible.

At the same time, most admit that online efficiency in producing dates doesn’t necessarily match the effectiveness of meeting great guys at parties, bars and clubs, or relying on setups for dates.

For one thing, dating apps require little investment on the part of the suitor.

“Half the time you text with these guys, they want to know, do you want to meet that night for a drink?” said Anna (name has been changed), 41, a single Midtown financial advisor. “Because they are thinking of us as ‘on demand’ company, they are less about planning ahead to build a future.”

Anna, who is successful, articulate and striking, says she has been online-dating on and off for the better part of 15 years. Does she feel it’s been a waste of time? Perhaps — but she isn’t sure she had a choice.

“It’s not that the allure of being approached and meeting someone ‘old school’ has been tarnished; it’s just the improbability of it happening has prompted women who would have loved to have a romantic story to tell to seek refuge in these crazy apps,” she says. “Forget Prince Charming on a white horse: We dream of a guy who will text or call when he says he will and make and keep a date.”

Reaction from the single women I talked to was nearly unanimous: While they may have met some decent chaps via the apps, they wish men would take greater initiative in the real world.

“I love it when a guy has the confidence to approach in real life,” said Marian Gude, 26, an account manager. “I think men should be empowered to walk up to women and keep that tradition alive,” said Veronica Aspan, 22, a Midtown fashion designer relaxing in Madison Square Park.

Perhaps the problem is a “commodification” of the meeting process.

“Dating apps are like shopping, but, in this case, for people,” says Manhattan psychiatrist Will Winter. “The problem is that the consumer culture has so permeated the dating culture that people seem to treat others like objects.”

But “old-school” clubs have now begun to offer singles the retro charm of old-fashioned social events. Spring Street Social Society, for example, hosts events filled with “surprise moments and performances that can further conversation and interaction,” says its artistic director, Amy Virginia Buchanan. One recent event featured 1950s-style party activities like making deviled eggs, mixing dirty martinis and interactive storytelling.

Another newcomer offering the city’s singles more possibilities for “old-school” romance is London-based Social Concierge. This month, the company, which bills itself as “a private dating club for eligible singles who want to date offline,” hosted a West Village party that promised members an equal balance of men and women.

“Men were swarming me,” said Allison Zack, 29, who works in television. “An event like this is designed [for people to] meet, so men feel more comfortable approaching women.”

She understands that making the approach can be challenging. But at old-school singles events like Social Concierge’s, “there still may be fear she won’t like you, but not the fear of being shut down if you approach her.” Zack also has a plea to men that other women clearly share: “Let’s revive the romance. Even in 2017, we still want you to approach us.”